My Revenge on the Fallen

Movie: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
Year: 2009
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action / Stupid Giant Fighting Robots
Directed by: Michael "The Anti-Christ" Bay
Written by: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Ehren Kruger

You can probably already tell where this review is going. Before we get into the meat of the bone I'll TRY to explain the plot. Wish me luck!

After the events of the first movie The Autobots have been helping the US and UK military to rid the world of the remanding Decepticons. However, we soon find out; after a lengthy and confusing action scene, that more and more Deceptos are coming to Earth each day. But why? What could the Decepticons possibly be looking for?

Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), the first movie's "hero" is packing his stuff for college - You see, Sam; who has befriended giant alien robots; his car being one of them, wants to have a "normal" life - when he finds a shard from the Allspark. Upon touching the shard his mind fills with an entire library of information. But what is it that he now holds in his brain?

The information that has come to inhabit Sam is a map. This is about the time the movie stops caring for the plot and everything converges in on it's self and goes batshit crazy. Or maybe it was just me.

Anyways, there is this Transformer called "The Fallen", the original Decepticons and Magatron's master. The map leads to a MacGuffin called the Matrix of Leadership. The Matrix of Leadership powers devices called Sun Harvesters. Sun Harvesters were installed all over the galaxy thousands of years ago by the Dynasty of Primes; the original 13 Transformers, The Fallen being the 13th. Sun Harvesters, well, harvest suns; thus killing all life in that planetary system, to power the Allspark. The Fallen, being a Decepticons and an overall dick wanted to use all the Sun Harvesters regardless of other life in the galaxy and now he is back to finish the job. More or less.

Confused?

First off, I want to say this: This is NOT a kids movie. I don't mean that in the sense that its too dark or too serious/mature. I mean that in the sense that, well... Remember the scene in the first movie about masturbation? Multiply that by 10 and you'll be close to how crude this movie gets. It's leering, it's sexist, it's gross. This is a movie about giant fighting robots, do I NEED to see John Turturro ass? Do I NEED Rainn Wilson as an over-sexual College professor? And why the fuck are those actors in this movie? You can do any better than this?

Now, I've decided to just not review this with some labored review (this movie doesn't deserve that). So here are my 3 biggest complaints, or the the 3 things I think boil this movie down and define it.

One, when Sam first arrives to his dorm room there are two movie posters on the wall: Cloverfield and Bad Boys 2. Now, I'm not going to rag on either of these movies; I liked one and haven't seen the other. However, I think this personifies the movie: 2 and a half hours of The Anti-Christ (Michael Bay) and the other makers of this movie jerking themselves off all over the audiences face.

Two, the humor. I honestly, even though I have said I don't usually like comedy films (that's a discussion for another day), enjoy when any film injects some humor into its self. Life is funny, movies are hyper-reality, so they can be funny too. However, every 5 minutes; regardless of scene, there is a joke. Now, the situation of giant fighting robots can certainly present many opportunities for humor. You must remember that Lucifer (Bay) has the mind of a 12 year old and none of the jokes are any funnier or smarter than your average dick or fart joke. Puerile to say the least.

Lastly, and rage and depression inducing; the twins. There are two new robot characters, Mudflap and Skids. One is a red Chevrolet Trax and one is a green Chevrolet Beat. I don't know which, to be honest; not only do both robots look the same, but both cars are almost identical. Now, here's where things get down right offensive. Both characters speak in an urban dialect (Ebonics). Skids, the "smarter" of the two, has a gold tooth. Worst of all: Neither character can read. One of them, Skids? Proclaims; "Nah, man, that just ain't our thing." This is racist. Okay, Bay, you asshole. Now, you may ask, "Why blame Bay for this, it wasn't written by him?" Well, you're wrong. Due to the writers strike the original script had to be turned in before the beginning of the strike, which it was. Bay then took it upon himself to re-write a majority of the script; adding humor, more action and more personality to the characters. This leads me to believe that personality to Bay means obvious racial stereotypes.

Now, there are other problems with this movie: It's almost a carbon copy of the first movie. The action scenes are nauseating. The editing is non-existent. The movie runs about 40 minutes too long. The second half is giant clusterfuck. You could tell in the theater that the audience was losing patience with the convoluted garbled mess the last 3rd of the movie became. When you establish several plot lines you gradually pull them together so at the end they become one. You don't have all them jump on top of each other in the last 30 minutes.

One of the funnier line... funny in an ironic way. When in the desert with an old defected Decepticons, Turturro and LaBeouf are trying to figure out what the fuck is going on - oh, but aren't we all? LaBeouf asks, "Give us some plot, some semblance" and Turturro futhers this questioning by saying, "Don't get episodic on us, we want the beginning, middle and end."
How I feel like these are things this movie will never deliver.